I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
