Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
