the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
