I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
