4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
