I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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