The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
