she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I enjoy the company of your penis
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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