just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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