those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize