i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
