The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
