My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
