Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
