woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
