I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
