What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
