I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
