This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
