he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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