I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize