awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
