If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize