AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We were destined to go to rehab together
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
