I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
