Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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