what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
