So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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