just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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