if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
