you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Randomize
