please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
