Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize