You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
