There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize