I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
