I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
