Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Panties = found
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
