Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
