dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
