I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
