Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
