she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
