What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
