Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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