She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
