two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize