He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
