Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
