She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
