I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
