i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
this beer tastes like vomit already
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
