So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
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