cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Randomize
