I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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