Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
