her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
