I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You made out with two different species that night
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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